For everyone who’s here for the Fifty Shades stuff, I’ve just added a new page to the site so that you don’t have to suffer the extreme annoyance of searching WordPress tags. Fifty Shades Freed and Darker indexes will be added later, but there should be enough horrible to keep you all amused for the time being. Click the link below to go to the index page or click Fifty Shades Recaps on the page bar above.
For all your ‘When does he pull her tampon out?’ and ‘Is there anal in Fifty Shades of Grey’ search needs. (And no. There is no anal in Fifty Shades of Grey.)
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Abuse, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Unfathomably bad movies
Tagged books that ate my brain, bullshit, Christian Thundercat Grey, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, hot mess, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, the worst book in the world, there is no anal sex in fifty shades of grey, Throwing up
Chapter twenty-five starts with Ana’s mom burping out yet another string of self-help platitudes as she bids goodbye to her hellspawned daughter.
“Follow your heart, darling, and please, please – try not to overthink things. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.” Her heartfelt words are comforting whispered in my ear.
Just in case that Hallmark pink moment above wasn’t Disney enough for you, ditz-princess Renee Carla reminds Ana that ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.’ Then she promises to visit, although she probably won’t, since she couldn’t be bothered to stir herself to come to Ana’s graduation. Ana wanders aboard her flight thinking on the subject of ‘unconditional love’, and promptly pulls out her BlackBerry in order to ‘stare at it despondently’.
I know it looks like nothing is happening at this point in the book, but trust me – it’s all about to hinge on this moment. Ana is about to have one of her moments of slack-jawed revelation and we’re all about to die a little more inside. Continue reading
In case you didn’t notice, I have a new book to plug, so consider Fifty Shades Later well and truly plugged. It’s a chunky little number, half novel, half sweary literary criticism, and uses the words ‘sasquatch’ and ‘gangbang’ quite often and almost always in the same sentence. Stuff that in your search engines, you weirdos.
Anyway – on to the crap. Continue reading
You get a two-fer of crap today, since chapter eighteen is mostly one horrible, drawn out sex scene and I have absolutely no intention of recapping it. Continue reading
I’m so close to being done with Fifty Shades Later that I thought it might be an enjoyable little retrospective to watch that Bronies documentary on Netflix. After all, I’ve spent close on a year finding out more about bronies than I ever needed or wanted to know – it felt like an interesting way to say goodbye.
We lasted about forty-five minutes. Holy Christ, this thing is dull. It’s like an endless, one-note puff piece in which a collection of tiresome young men and boys talk about how much they like ponies. And that they’re not gay. But they like ponies. And they’re persecuted for liking ponies. And not gay. Even though they like a cartoon for little girls.
Writing the Fifty Shades of Neigh series has been a weird experience in a lot of ways. The strangest one is that – in attempting to create a faithful parody of Fifty Shades of Grey – I’ve had to try and stifle my own instincts as a writer. For example, the characters in the original are so static they may as well be cryogenically frozen. They rarely grow or change in any significant way throughout the books. In writing the parody I wanted to carry that across, but it felt totally self-defeating, like trying to swim against a current. It was like I had all these panicked little instinctive voices in my head, all of them freaking out because I was going against something that everyone from Stephen King down had told me was a fundamental truth of good fiction – characters need to change and develop.
Eventually I gave up. I couldn’t keep it up. I listened to my gut – change was too vital a thing to toss aside. Even if – in Hanna’s case – she just got a mani-pedi and a new weave, there was still a joke in there in that she thought a pedicure constituted growing as a person. The one character who’s remained totally static is Crispian Neigh, which goes right to the heart of why I hate him and hate writing him. He’s boring. He’s a one-note joke. He’s a grown man who likes My Little Pony and isn’t that whacky and weird?
It’s the reason why I spent most of the Fifty Shades of Neigh series trying to avoid writing about Crispian – if the books were just one long brony joke they’d almost be as boring as the originals. Almost. You could practise for a lifetime at boring the tits off people and still not approach the depths of boredom we’re about to plumb in chapter eleven of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Yes, it’s time to read the Sex Contract. Clause by clause, paragraph by paragraph, epoch by geological epoch. Soul-crushing boredom is the new Sexy. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Things you need to buy right now, writing, wtf
Tagged bronies, bullshit, Christian Thundercat Grey, crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, new depths of boredom, sordid gropings
Happy New Year, people. I hope you have a happy, healthy and wealthy one. And what better way to celebrate the beginning of a shiny new year by plunging back into one of the dullest books in human history? Well, I can think of a bunch of better ways, but I’ve committed to this garbage and I like to see things through. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Things you need to buy right now, wtf, YES YOU WANT THIS YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT
Tagged Christian Thundercat Grey, crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of grey, fifty shades of neigh, new depths of boredom, rah rah ro ma ma, Throwing up, truly awful books