Tag Archives: fifty shades freed

Fifty Shades Freed: Like A Popsicle In Hell

Yes, we’re finally there. After twenty five chapters of paper thin plot, poorly written sex and bucketloads of interminable tedious whining, we have reached the end of Fifty Shades Freed. But fuck you for thinking we’re done with this shit. Sit the hell down. There’s an epilogue.

You thought you were getting away? Well, aren’t you adorable? Not a chance. Like a monstrous, needy-drunk party host, Ms. James is going to keep yammering on and making us dance to Demis Roussos until somebody actually dies.  Continue reading

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Fifty Shades Freed: The Neverending Story

Last time, on Fifty Shades Freed, Christian threatened Ana with rape (no, he really did) and the plot happened. All at once. There are still three chapters of this mess left and my Kindle bar says I’m only 79% of the way through. Continue reading

Fifty Shades Freed: The One Where The Plot Finally Happens

Last time on Fifty Shades Freed Ana found out she was pregnant and Christian went predictably insane. After referring to his unborn child as ‘shit’ he then screamed at his pregnant wife until she began to cry and then stormed out of the house. Then he came home at one thirty in the morning and passed out drunk. Because he’s dreamy. Warning: Contains actual rape threats

Fifty Shades Freed: Two’s Company, Three’s A Mess

Last time on Fifty Shades Freed, Ana’s stepfather was in a car accident, which was the closest thing to something actually happening since Jack broke into the Grey’s apartment. However, like most things that actually happen in this book, the characters were determined to ignore it, which meant that poor old Charlie/Ray languished in a coma while Ana got a new sports car, a Cartier bracelet, a new dress and had a lovely, lovely birthday party with all her family and friends.

Except Dad. Who was in a coma.

Anyway, he’s just woken up from his coma, which is nice for him. Or not.

Continue reading

Fifty Shades Freed: Daddy Issues

I love looking at my blog’s search engine terms. They have a mad, weird poetry all of their own, occasionally hilarious and frequently disgusting. In response to the curious soul who came here via the question ‘why doesn’t Christian Grey like anyone touching his chest,’ the answer is “Because he’s a poorly written fictional character who used to be a crap vampire with no pulse.”

I know that probably doesn’t help, but trust me – it really is that stupid.

Anyway, on with the recap. Continue reading

Fifty Shades Freed: Fifty Shades of Gilbert and Sullivan

Last time on Fifty Shades of Aimless Dickery, the Twilight gang went to Aspen and there was much aimless dickery, including shopping, eating and lots and lots of drinking. Kate and Elliot got engaged, Mia was Alice Cullen (only even more annoying, if such a thing is possible) and Christian punched someone in a nightclub, because what his charming personality really needed was a fresh injection of random, casual violence.  It’s going on the list.

Fifty Shades Freed: Twilight In Aspen

It’s been a busy weekend in Fifty Shades news, now that Charlie Hunnam has made probably the best decision of his entire career and decided not to play Christian Grey in the movie. The original line was that Hunnam realised just how much time this tosh would take and was like “No way is this cutting into my hanging-out-with-Ron-Perlman time.” Turned out he was just afraid of being hunted by the kind of feral Twi-hards who used to hang out at premieres baring their bleeding necks to Robert Pattinson. It’s a scary old world, kids.

Anyway, let’s get down to business. (Jane Austen fans might want to skip this one – you might get angry.) Continue reading