Tag Archives: fifty shades of grey

Fifty Shades of Grey – Chapter Twenty Two: A Big Bunch of E-Mail Bullshit

This post comes from a place of deep, heartfelt joy. Yes, that’s right – yesterday I finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey and it can’t hurt me anymore! It’s over! I am FREE!

You, however, have got another five terrible chapters to read. Sorry about that. Continue reading

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Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Seventeen – Butterflies Do Not Work That Way

So, I’m still staggering through line edits for Fifty Shades Later and my recaps of Fifty Shades Freed and once again wondering how these terrible books ever managed to get so long.

It turns out that the Fifty Shades Trilogy is actually longer than Lord of the Rings. Strange, but true.

For reference, and sans appendices:

The Fellowship of The Ring weighs in at a chunky 188,000 words, rounded to the nearest thousand. That’s pretty heavy even for a fantasy novel. The Two Towers comes in a little lighter at 156,ooo words, and The Return of the King is the svelte sibling of the three at a relatively slim (for Tolkien) 137,000 words.

Now, that adds up to 481,000 words. That’s a lot of words, but quite a few things happen in the space of those 481,000 words. Compare and contrast the Fifty Shades Trilogy, which barely have enough plot to fill a small trade paperback and yet still flop onto the scales at an astounding 621,000 words.

That’s 140,000 words longer than all three Lord Of The Rings novels put together. If you added the wordcount of The Silmarillion to Lord Of The Rings you would still come up 10,000 words short of the total wordcount of the Fifty Shades novels.

If I’m flagging on these recaps, then that’s why. These books may be the longest and dullest things committed to print since Atlas Shrugged. I mean, nobody’s made a seventy page speech about the magical unicorn powers of the free market yet, but I’m still up to my tits in e-mail filler. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Fifteen – No Butt Stuff

This recap is not going to be all fun and games. I’ll warn you now. These next couple of chapters are some of the most stomach-churning in the entire book, although not for any funny reasons to do with tampons or unpleasantries involving other people’s toothbrushes.

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Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Ten – Out To Lunch At The Roadkill Grill

Happy New Year, people. I hope you have a happy, healthy and wealthy one. And what better way to celebrate the beginning of a shiny new year by plunging back into one of the dullest books in human history? Well, I can think of a bunch of better ways, but I’ve committed to this garbage and I like to see things through. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Three – Are (Boy)Friends Electric?

In the first two chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey, we met Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. It was not an auspicious meeting, seeing as she was a twitchy ball of self-loathing and he was a buzzword spouting cretin who may very well also be a serial killer.

Luckily (or not) for him, Ana thinks he’s just so literary and already wants to get into his Dolce e Gabbanas. Well – kind of. I don’t think she even knows why her underwear gets humid whenever he’s around and even when it does her imaginary friends pipe up and tell her that he could never, ever love her because she’s too mousy and unattractive. And she is, by the way. She’s so ugly that every male character who isn’t Christian Grey has so far pledged undying love to her.

I’m not holding out much hope of this book getting any better. Continue reading