Tag Archives: fifty shades of neigh

Help Wanted!

Just a brief note to say that my romance novel activities are going to be going on over at this blog from now on. I’m currently so busy that I don’t have time to read horrible novels for your entertainment, which kind of sucks in one way and doesn’t in another.

The other thing is that Fifty Shades of Neigh is now FREE on Smashwords and at Barnes and Noble, which is wonderful news but comes with a caveat – it’s still not free on Amazon.

So, if I could request a small favour from my lovely readers, click on the Amazon link here and go tell them that you get you can get this book for the grand price of bugger all at Barnes and Noble!

Thank you in advance and I hope you enjoy the book full of dick jokes.

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Fifty Shades Later: An Inevitable Conclusion – now available in the Kindle store

It’s here! later2cover

Amazon.com

Brace yourself for the final excursion into the dysfunctional life of Hanna Neigh (née Squeal) and her brooding, bondage-freak husband, Mr. Neigh.

It’s not easy being the skinny, rich and beautiful wife of a billionaire, especially when you’re in the South of France and the hotel where you wanted to stay has been besmirched by the presence of the trashy romance writer responsible for the infamous ‘Sasquatch Gangbang’ novels. To add further complications to her meaningless existence, Hanna can’t find a decent martini on the entire Cote d’Azur and someone keeps sending her threatening e-mails. Worse, her Inner Goddess keeps reminding her about the part of Book Two where her husband died in a helicopter crash, although that’s kind of her own fault for anthropomorphising aspects of her creaking mental processes in such an incredibly annoying way.

Who is driving the mysterious black van labelled INEPT KIDNAPPERS INC? What really happened to felonious Brony-billionaire Crispian Neigh on the night of the Kleptocrats Only Masqued Ball? Have the ponies stopped screaming yet? And is this the one where they finally do anal? (No)

Confused? You will be.

Incompetent editors, angry birds, sweary children, transvestite workaholics, myopic libertarians and horrible things that happen to My Little Pony all collide in the final part of the anarchic Fifty Shades of Neigh trilogy.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Twelve – Inconsistent Personality Disorder

I’ve just finished with writing a chapter that reminded me why, on some level, I kind of love these terrible books. They might be gross, regressive, deeply stupid and devoid of any literary merit whatsoever, but I’ve had a great time tearing them to pieces. It’s not often you get to type lines like;

I start to cry as she marches me towards a police car. “I should never have listened to those gay mice from Narnia!”

…and have them actually mean something in context. Hanna Squeal and her poorly written penthouse apartment have given me so many dumb laughs that it kind of makes up for having to read E.L. James’ whole lousy trilogy. Sometimes the subtext – and often the actual text, let’s face it – of the Fifty Shades of Grey novels is so disturbing and infuriating that I can’t find anything funny to say about it, which is partly why I decided to write Fifty Shades of Neigh in the first place. I always felt that laughing at crap was one of the best ways to deal with it.

Sadly we’re rapidly running out of funny in Fifty Shades of Grey – from hereon in the book just keeps getting more and fucked-up.

We last left our mutton-headed heroine staring at a computer screen full of BSDM porn and wondering why she was feeling all twitchy in the bathing-suit area. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Ten – Out To Lunch At The Roadkill Grill

Happy New Year, people. I hope you have a happy, healthy and wealthy one. And what better way to celebrate the beginning of a shiny new year by plunging back into one of the dullest books in human history? Well, I can think of a bunch of better ways, but I’ve committed to this garbage and I like to see things through. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Eight – Let’s Do It!

I seem to have come down with a terrible cold just in time for Christmas, leaving my head too fuzzy for any other kind of writing. So I’ve been writing Fifty Shades recaps in between doses of cold medicine and the usual Christmas cooking. It’s fun cooking with a stinking cold – you can never be sure if anything tastes the way it should. It’s possible I may have made the world’s most alcoholic vanilla cream custard; I couldn’t be sure if it really tasted of Marsala or needed more.

Anyway – another Christmas, another recap. You’ll be thrilled to bits to discover that after seven chapters of soul-searing boredom, Ana and Christian are finally about to do all the filthy stuff that made these terrible books so notorious.

Sort of.

Okay, not really.

You can’t expect these people to be interesting lovers. They’re dull enough when they have all their clothes on. Beat me on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Seven – Say Cheese!

A short recap today – if only all the chapters in this droning borefest of a book were this short. Although obviously they’d be better if they contained a whole bunch of different words. And characters we could stand. And a plot.

Sadly we’re stuck with the ones we have here, but remember – Fifty Shades of Neigh is still only 0.99 in the Kindle store. You can get a whole bunch of different words (approximately 50,000 of them), sort of a plot and at least a couple of characters who don’t make you sick on sight. It wouldn’t be a faithful parody of Fifty Shades of Grey if I made the main characters too loveable, although I have to say I failed in creating a male lead who was even more repulsive than the original. Christian Grey sets the bar pretty high (or low).

Still, at least in my version there’s a hot Mexican transvestite to take the edge off. (‘hot Mexican transvestite’ – coming soon to weird search engine results for this blog) Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Six – This Charming Man

This weekend my nephew asked me to total up how many words I’d written in the last year. It came to just over 350,000 words, which doesn’t seem a lot when you consider that it’s just over half the length of the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series. However, when you’re actually reading the Fifty Shades of Grey series time dilates to accommodate the extremes of boredom that come with watching Ana narrating her way around a hardware store, Christian Grey’s kitchen and the inside of her own weird little head.

I think the world’s finest physicists should take a look at this book. I honestly believe it may hold the key to time travel. And sooner rather than later, please. I could really do with an extra week between now and Christmas.

Anyway. Let’s crack on. I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear