Hey everyone – look at what this thieving shitnut, AKA Naomi Knight AKA Rhyming With Oranges wrote!
Look familiar? I know, right? Looks a hell of a lot like a post I wrote, doesn’t it?
Oh no, wait – it looks more like two posts I wrote.
It’s okay, Naomi. I’m not that angry. I’m only slightly furious. Is it because you were dropped on the head as a baby? Or are you really that fundamentally fucking stupid that you didn’t think I’d notice that you’d copypasted large swathes of things that I wrote and passed them off as your own? It might be a good idea to apologise at this point. And swear on the bones of whatever saints you hold holy that you will never, ever do this again. That might be a smart move on your part right now. I’m suggesting it because you don’t seem to have many smart ideas. At least none of your own.
This recap is not going to be all fun and games. I’ll warn you now. These next couple of chapters are some of the most stomach-churning in the entire book, although not for any funny reasons to do with tampons or unpleasantries involving other people’s toothbrushes.
Quick book plug before we get started – get your freebie on! This week only.
By the way, I have just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey (again) and I only have five more chapters to recap! Excitement. I can honestly say it gets worse with every re-read. You know how some books are so good that you see different levels of brilliance each time you read them? Like they’re so good you can’t manage to appreciate the writing, the pacing, the plotting and the twists all in one reading? Well, Fifty Shades is like that. Except instead of brilliance it’s all crap. All the way to the centre. It’s like a crap onion. Every layer is crap and the deeper you go, the more it will make you cry.
Or something like that. I don’t know. I’m kind of tired. Let’s get going, shall we? Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Shit, free e-books, jessica pine, reviews, romance, wtf
Tagged fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, shameless self promotion
I’m so close to being done with Fifty Shades Later that I thought it might be an enjoyable little retrospective to watch that Bronies documentary on Netflix. After all, I’ve spent close on a year finding out more about bronies than I ever needed or wanted to know – it felt like an interesting way to say goodbye.
We lasted about forty-five minutes. Holy Christ, this thing is dull. It’s like an endless, one-note puff piece in which a collection of tiresome young men and boys talk about how much they like ponies. And that they’re not gay. But they like ponies. And they’re persecuted for liking ponies. And not gay. Even though they like a cartoon for little girls.
Writing the Fifty Shades of Neigh series has been a weird experience in a lot of ways. The strangest one is that – in attempting to create a faithful parody of Fifty Shades of Grey – I’ve had to try and stifle my own instincts as a writer. For example, the characters in the original are so static they may as well be cryogenically frozen. They rarely grow or change in any significant way throughout the books. In writing the parody I wanted to carry that across, but it felt totally self-defeating, like trying to swim against a current. It was like I had all these panicked little instinctive voices in my head, all of them freaking out because I was going against something that everyone from Stephen King down had told me was a fundamental truth of good fiction – characters need to change and develop.
Eventually I gave up. I couldn’t keep it up. I listened to my gut – change was too vital a thing to toss aside. Even if – in Hanna’s case – she just got a mani-pedi and a new weave, there was still a joke in there in that she thought a pedicure constituted growing as a person. The one character who’s remained totally static is Crispian Neigh, which goes right to the heart of why I hate him and hate writing him. He’s boring. He’s a one-note joke. He’s a grown man who likes My Little Pony and isn’t that whacky and weird?
It’s the reason why I spent most of the Fifty Shades of Neigh series trying to avoid writing about Crispian – if the books were just one long brony joke they’d almost be as boring as the originals. Almost. You could practise for a lifetime at boring the tits off people and still not approach the depths of boredom we’re about to plumb in chapter eleven of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Yes, it’s time to read the Sex Contract. Clause by clause, paragraph by paragraph, epoch by geological epoch. Soul-crushing boredom is the new Sexy. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Things you need to buy right now, writing, wtf
Tagged bronies, bullshit, Christian Thundercat Grey, crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, new depths of boredom, sordid gropings
Last time on Fifty Shades of Grey, after seven stultifying chapters of teabags, cable ties, amateur neurosurgery and some of the worst commentary on Tess of the D’Urbervilles since Marie Corelli kicked it, Ana and Christian finally had sex.
It was actually rather dull. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, books, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Things you need to buy right now, wtf
Tagged crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, jiggly bits, new depths of boredom, sordid gropings
Welcome back to my readalong of Fifty Shades of Grey, a book that may very well be the worst bestseller of all time. Yes, we all know Stieg Larson needed an editor and Dan Brown’s novels were pretty damn silly, but at least if this was a Dan Brown someone would be face down in the squid tank by now and someone else would have left a cryptic message using their own internal organs. (You’d think kidneys would make handy punctuation marks, wouldn’t you?)
Before we press on, I would just like to remind you that my new novel Held: A New Adult Romance is still available for only 0.99 in the Kindle Store. Sale ends soon, so don’t miss out. And in slightly more relevant news, you can now own a Kindle copy of Fifty Shades of Neigh for the same super low price – 0.99.
And now on with the recap. You might want a nice strong cup of tea and a blanket on standby for this one. Because oh boy – this guy’s a weirdo. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, books, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, jessica pine, reviews, romance, Things you need to buy right now, wtf
Tagged bronies, bullshit, Christian Thundercat Grey, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, fifty shades of neigh, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, jessica pine, Throwing up, truly awful books