Please do not leave comments telling me to read Fifty Shades of Grey. I have. It was terrible. That is all. Thank you.
P.S. If you haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey, please be advised that it’s not that dirty and they don’t do anal. Sorry about that.
Hey everyone – look at what this thieving shitnut, AKA Naomi Knight AKA Rhyming With Oranges wrote!
Look familiar? I know, right? Looks a hell of a lot like a post I wrote, doesn’t it?
Oh no, wait – it looks more like two posts I wrote.
It’s okay, Naomi. I’m not that angry. I’m only slightly furious. Is it because you were dropped on the head as a baby? Or are you really that fundamentally fucking stupid that you didn’t think I’d notice that you’d copypasted large swathes of things that I wrote and passed them off as your own? It might be a good idea to apologise at this point. And swear on the bones of whatever saints you hold holy that you will never, ever do this again. That might be a smart move on your part right now. I’m suggesting it because you don’t seem to have many smart ideas. At least none of your own.
Chapter twenty-five starts with Ana’s mom burping out yet another string of self-help platitudes as she bids goodbye to her hellspawned daughter.
“Follow your heart, darling, and please, please – try not to overthink things. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.” Her heartfelt words are comforting whispered in my ear.
Just in case that Hallmark pink moment above wasn’t Disney enough for you, ditz-princess Renee Carla reminds Ana that ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.’ Then she promises to visit, although she probably won’t, since she couldn’t be bothered to stir herself to come to Ana’s graduation. Ana wanders aboard her flight thinking on the subject of ‘unconditional love’, and promptly pulls out her BlackBerry in order to ‘stare at it despondently’.
I know it looks like nothing is happening at this point in the book, but trust me – it’s all about to hinge on this moment. Ana is about to have one of her moments of slack-jawed revelation and we’re all about to die a little more inside. Continue reading
Chapter twenty-four starts with another one of Ana’s ever-so-meaningful ‘symbolic’ dreams.
Christian stands in a steel-barred cage. Wearing his soft, ripped jeans, his chest and feet are mouthwateringly naked…
This is my second favourite participle mess of the entire book. While it doesn’t quite come close to the one where he was wearing a tie with eyeballs and a shrewd expression, it’s still pretty special in context. Just a heads up – Thomas Hardy fans might want to grab something to bite down on before reading any further. Continue reading
This post comes from a place of deep, heartfelt joy. Yes, that’s right – yesterday I finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey and it can’t hurt me anymore! It’s over! I am FREE!
You, however, have got another five terrible chapters to read. Sorry about that. Continue reading
You get a two-fer of crap today, since chapter eighteen is mostly one horrible, drawn out sex scene and I have absolutely no intention of recapping it. Continue reading
Quick book plug before we get started – get your freebie on! This week only.
By the way, I have just finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey (again) and I only have five more chapters to recap! Excitement. I can honestly say it gets worse with every re-read. You know how some books are so good that you see different levels of brilliance each time you read them? Like they’re so good you can’t manage to appreciate the writing, the pacing, the plotting and the twists all in one reading? Well, Fifty Shades is like that. Except instead of brilliance it’s all crap. All the way to the centre. It’s like a crap onion. Every layer is crap and the deeper you go, the more it will make you cry.
Or something like that. I don’t know. I’m kind of tired. Let’s get going, shall we? Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Shit, free e-books, jessica pine, reviews, romance, wtf
Tagged fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, shameless self promotion