Tag Archives: jiggly bits

Fifty Shades of Grey – Chapter Twenty Five: In Which I Finally Lose My Mind

Chapter twenty-five starts with Ana’s mom burping out yet another string of self-help platitudes as she bids goodbye to her hellspawned daughter.

“Follow your heart, darling, and please, please – try not to overthink things. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.” Her heartfelt words are comforting whispered in my ear.

Just in case that Hallmark pink moment above wasn’t Disney enough for you, ditz-princess Renee Carla reminds Ana that ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.’ Then she promises to visit, although she probably won’t, since she couldn’t be bothered to stir herself to come to Ana’s graduation. Ana wanders aboard her flight thinking on the subject of ‘unconditional love’, and promptly pulls out her BlackBerry in order to ‘stare at it despondently’.

I know it looks like nothing is happening at this point in the book, but trust me – it’s all about to hinge on this moment. Ana is about to have one of her moments of slack-jawed revelation and we’re all about to die a little more inside. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey – Chapter Twenty Three: The Bit Where He Yanks Her Tampon Out

Chapter twenty-three opens with Ana sitting in a bar in Georgia and realising that her demented boyfriend has stalked her all the way from Seattle.  Continue reading

Fifty Shades Later: An Inevitable Conclusion – now available in the Kindle store

It’s here! later2cover

Amazon.com

Brace yourself for the final excursion into the dysfunctional life of Hanna Neigh (née Squeal) and her brooding, bondage-freak husband, Mr. Neigh.

It’s not easy being the skinny, rich and beautiful wife of a billionaire, especially when you’re in the South of France and the hotel where you wanted to stay has been besmirched by the presence of the trashy romance writer responsible for the infamous ‘Sasquatch Gangbang’ novels. To add further complications to her meaningless existence, Hanna can’t find a decent martini on the entire Cote d’Azur and someone keeps sending her threatening e-mails. Worse, her Inner Goddess keeps reminding her about the part of Book Two where her husband died in a helicopter crash, although that’s kind of her own fault for anthropomorphising aspects of her creaking mental processes in such an incredibly annoying way.

Who is driving the mysterious black van labelled INEPT KIDNAPPERS INC? What really happened to felonious Brony-billionaire Crispian Neigh on the night of the Kleptocrats Only Masqued Ball? Have the ponies stopped screaming yet? And is this the one where they finally do anal? (No)

Confused? You will be.

Incompetent editors, angry birds, sweary children, transvestite workaholics, myopic libertarians and horrible things that happen to My Little Pony all collide in the final part of the anarchic Fifty Shades of Neigh trilogy.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Nine – Deep Bloat

Last time on Fifty Shades of Grey, after seven stultifying chapters of teabags, cable ties, amateur neurosurgery and some of the worst commentary on Tess of the D’Urbervilles since Marie Corelli kicked it, Ana and Christian finally had sex.

It was actually rather dull. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Eight – Let’s Do It!

I seem to have come down with a terrible cold just in time for Christmas, leaving my head too fuzzy for any other kind of writing. So I’ve been writing Fifty Shades recaps in between doses of cold medicine and the usual Christmas cooking. It’s fun cooking with a stinking cold – you can never be sure if anything tastes the way it should. It’s possible I may have made the world’s most alcoholic vanilla cream custard; I couldn’t be sure if it really tasted of Marsala or needed more.

Anyway – another Christmas, another recap. You’ll be thrilled to bits to discover that after seven chapters of soul-searing boredom, Ana and Christian are finally about to do all the filthy stuff that made these terrible books so notorious.

Sort of.

Okay, not really.

You can’t expect these people to be interesting lovers. They’re dull enough when they have all their clothes on. Beat me on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Seven – Say Cheese!

A short recap today – if only all the chapters in this droning borefest of a book were this short. Although obviously they’d be better if they contained a whole bunch of different words. And characters we could stand. And a plot.

Sadly we’re stuck with the ones we have here, but remember – Fifty Shades of Neigh is still only 0.99 in the Kindle store. You can get a whole bunch of different words (approximately 50,000 of them), sort of a plot and at least a couple of characters who don’t make you sick on sight. It wouldn’t be a faithful parody of Fifty Shades of Grey if I made the main characters too loveable, although I have to say I failed in creating a male lead who was even more repulsive than the original. Christian Grey sets the bar pretty high (or low).

Still, at least in my version there’s a hot Mexican transvestite to take the edge off. (‘hot Mexican transvestite’ – coming soon to weird search engine results for this blog) Continue reading

Fifty Shades Later: An Inevitable Conclusion

Still finishing up the new Jessica Pine novel for before Christmas, but I’ll be done soon, and can devote my attention completely to the final part of Fifty Shades of Neigh.

I can now reveal the new cover and an exclusive sneak preview of the first chapter!

latercover

We last left Hanna Squeal newly wed and presumably newly widowed, when Crispian Neigh stole a helicopter and escaped federal custody, having pulled the old clothing switcheroo with his dumpster-dwelling sister Alicia.

Meanwhile Hanna had just come fresh from a semi-romantic tryst with her flame-haired hipster boss Timothy Grope, who had infiltrated the Neighs’ ritzy shindig for Filthy Rich Cokeheads by persuading the triangle player in the dance band that he really needed to take a break from playing the triangle and head on down to Tijuana to get very drunk, buy a bunch of illegal fireworks and probably catch some kind of social disease. With me so far?

It’s probably just easier if you just read the first two books.

Anyway, that happened. And then this happened. Continue reading