This is it. This is finally it. The last chapter of Fifty Shades of Grey. Twenty-six is a strangely appropriate number, because this monster of a book often feels like a marathon; it hurts like hell, you think it will never end and it may very well make you throw up in public.
The chapter begins with Ana waking up, and I don’t even care because I don’t have to read any more of this crap once this chapter is over.
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, books, Fifty Shades of Abuse, Fifty Shades of Shit, reviews, wtf
Tagged crap, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, fifty shades of grey, new depths of boredom, truly awful books
I’m so close to being done with Fifty Shades Later that I thought it might be an enjoyable little retrospective to watch that Bronies documentary on Netflix. After all, I’ve spent close on a year finding out more about bronies than I ever needed or wanted to know – it felt like an interesting way to say goodbye.
We lasted about forty-five minutes. Holy Christ, this thing is dull. It’s like an endless, one-note puff piece in which a collection of tiresome young men and boys talk about how much they like ponies. And that they’re not gay. But they like ponies. And they’re persecuted for liking ponies. And not gay. Even though they like a cartoon for little girls.
Writing the Fifty Shades of Neigh series has been a weird experience in a lot of ways. The strangest one is that – in attempting to create a faithful parody of Fifty Shades of Grey – I’ve had to try and stifle my own instincts as a writer. For example, the characters in the original are so static they may as well be cryogenically frozen. They rarely grow or change in any significant way throughout the books. In writing the parody I wanted to carry that across, but it felt totally self-defeating, like trying to swim against a current. It was like I had all these panicked little instinctive voices in my head, all of them freaking out because I was going against something that everyone from Stephen King down had told me was a fundamental truth of good fiction – characters need to change and develop.
Eventually I gave up. I couldn’t keep it up. I listened to my gut – change was too vital a thing to toss aside. Even if – in Hanna’s case – she just got a mani-pedi and a new weave, there was still a joke in there in that she thought a pedicure constituted growing as a person. The one character who’s remained totally static is Crispian Neigh, which goes right to the heart of why I hate him and hate writing him. He’s boring. He’s a one-note joke. He’s a grown man who likes My Little Pony and isn’t that whacky and weird?
It’s the reason why I spent most of the Fifty Shades of Neigh series trying to avoid writing about Crispian – if the books were just one long brony joke they’d almost be as boring as the originals. Almost. You could practise for a lifetime at boring the tits off people and still not approach the depths of boredom we’re about to plumb in chapter eleven of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Yes, it’s time to read the Sex Contract. Clause by clause, paragraph by paragraph, epoch by geological epoch. Soul-crushing boredom is the new Sexy. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Things you need to buy right now, writing, wtf
Tagged bronies, bullshit, Christian Thundercat Grey, crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, new depths of boredom, sordid gropings
Happy New Year, people. I hope you have a happy, healthy and wealthy one. And what better way to celebrate the beginning of a shiny new year by plunging back into one of the dullest books in human history? Well, I can think of a bunch of better ways, but I’ve committed to this garbage and I like to see things through. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Things you need to buy right now, wtf, YES YOU WANT THIS YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT
Tagged Christian Thundercat Grey, crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of grey, fifty shades of neigh, new depths of boredom, rah rah ro ma ma, Throwing up, truly awful books
Last time on Fifty Shades of Grey, after seven stultifying chapters of teabags, cable ties, amateur neurosurgery and some of the worst commentary on Tess of the D’Urbervilles since Marie Corelli kicked it, Ana and Christian finally had sex.
It was actually rather dull. Continue reading
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, books, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Things you need to buy right now, wtf
Tagged crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, i don't want to be nice, it's awful i hate it, jiggly bits, new depths of boredom, sordid gropings
I seem to have come down with a terrible cold just in time for Christmas, leaving my head too fuzzy for any other kind of writing. So I’ve been writing Fifty Shades recaps in between doses of cold medicine and the usual Christmas cooking. It’s fun cooking with a stinking cold – you can never be sure if anything tastes the way it should. It’s possible I may have made the world’s most alcoholic vanilla cream custard; I couldn’t be sure if it really tasted of Marsala or needed more.
Anyway – another Christmas, another recap. You’ll be thrilled to bits to discover that after seven chapters of soul-searing boredom, Ana and Christian are finally about to do all the filthy stuff that made these terrible books so notorious.
Okay, not really.
You can’t expect these people to be interesting lovers. They’re dull enough when they have all their clothes on. Beat me on the bottom with a Woman’s Weekly