For everyone who’s here for the Fifty Shades stuff, I’ve just added a new page to the site so that you don’t have to suffer the extreme annoyance of searching WordPress tags. Fifty Shades Freed and Darker indexes will be added later, but there should be enough horrible to keep you all amused for the time being. Click the link below to go to the index page or click Fifty Shades Recaps on the page bar above.
For all your ‘When does he pull her tampon out?’ and ‘Is there anal in Fifty Shades of Grey’ search needs. (And no. There is no anal in Fifty Shades of Grey.)
Posted in big steaming heaps of it, Fifty Shades of Abuse, Fifty Shades of Neigh, Fifty Shades of Shit, Unfathomably bad movies
Tagged books that ate my brain, bullshit, Christian Thundercat Grey, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, hot mess, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, the worst book in the world, there is no anal sex in fifty shades of grey, Throwing up
Chapter twenty-five starts with Ana’s mom burping out yet another string of self-help platitudes as she bids goodbye to her hellspawned daughter.
“Follow your heart, darling, and please, please – try not to overthink things. Relax and enjoy yourself. You are so young, sweetheart. You have so much of life to experience yet, just let it happen. You deserve the best of everything.” Her heartfelt words are comforting whispered in my ear.
Just in case that Hallmark pink moment above wasn’t Disney enough for you, ditz-princess Renee Carla reminds Ana that ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.’ Then she promises to visit, although she probably won’t, since she couldn’t be bothered to stir herself to come to Ana’s graduation. Ana wanders aboard her flight thinking on the subject of ‘unconditional love’, and promptly pulls out her BlackBerry in order to ‘stare at it despondently’.
I know it looks like nothing is happening at this point in the book, but trust me – it’s all about to hinge on this moment. Ana is about to have one of her moments of slack-jawed revelation and we’re all about to die a little more inside. Continue reading
Chapter twenty-four starts with another one of Ana’s ever-so-meaningful ‘symbolic’ dreams.
Christian stands in a steel-barred cage. Wearing his soft, ripped jeans, his chest and feet are mouthwateringly naked…
This is my second favourite participle mess of the entire book. While it doesn’t quite come close to the one where he was wearing a tie with eyeballs and a shrewd expression, it’s still pretty special in context. Just a heads up – Thomas Hardy fans might want to grab something to bite down on before reading any further. Continue reading
This post comes from a place of deep, heartfelt joy. Yes, that’s right – yesterday I finished reading Fifty Shades of Grey and it can’t hurt me anymore! It’s over! I am FREE!
You, however, have got another five terrible chapters to read. Sorry about that. Continue reading
In case you didn’t notice, I have a new book to plug, so consider Fifty Shades Later well and truly plugged. It’s a chunky little number, half novel, half sweary literary criticism, and uses the words ‘sasquatch’ and ‘gangbang’ quite often and almost always in the same sentence. Stuff that in your search engines, you weirdos.
Anyway – on to the crap. Continue reading
Quick reminder – this is your last chance to grab a free copy of Held before the offer ends tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far – I’ve been genuinely touched by the Amazon and Goodreads reviews for this book. It’s like everyone gets what I was trying to do, which is one of the best feelings in the world for a writer. Thank you.
Anyway, onto less fun things. Ever been hit in the clit with a riding crop? No, me neither. Continue reading
Posted in Fifty Shades of Shit, free e-books, jessica pine, reviews, romance
Tagged crap, drunks, fifty shades annotated, fifty shades of abuse, jessica pine, rah rah ro ma ma, shameless self promotion, Tess of the D’Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy