Tag Archives: the worst book in the world

Fifty Shades links page now available

For everyone who’s here for the Fifty Shades stuff, I’ve just added a new page to the site so that you don’t have to suffer the extreme annoyance of searching WordPress tags. Fifty Shades Freed and Darker indexes will be added later, but there should be enough horrible to keep you all amused for the time being. Click the link below to go to the index page or click Fifty Shades Recaps on the page bar above.

For all your ‘When does he pull her tampon out?’ and ‘Is there anal in Fifty Shades of Grey’ search needs.  (And no. There is no anal in Fifty Shades of Grey.)

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Twelve – Inconsistent Personality Disorder

I’ve just finished with writing a chapter that reminded me why, on some level, I kind of love these terrible books. They might be gross, regressive, deeply stupid and devoid of any literary merit whatsoever, but I’ve had a great time tearing them to pieces. It’s not often you get to type lines like;

I start to cry as she marches me towards a police car. “I should never have listened to those gay mice from Narnia!”

…and have them actually mean something in context. Hanna Squeal and her poorly written penthouse apartment have given me so many dumb laughs that it kind of makes up for having to read E.L. James’ whole lousy trilogy. Sometimes the subtext – and often the actual text, let’s face it – of the Fifty Shades of Grey novels is so disturbing and infuriating that I can’t find anything funny to say about it, which is partly why I decided to write Fifty Shades of Neigh in the first place. I always felt that laughing at crap was one of the best ways to deal with it.

Sadly we’re rapidly running out of funny in Fifty Shades of Grey – from hereon in the book just keeps getting more and fucked-up.

We last left our mutton-headed heroine staring at a computer screen full of BSDM porn and wondering why she was feeling all twitchy in the bathing-suit area. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Seven – Say Cheese!

A short recap today – if only all the chapters in this droning borefest of a book were this short. Although obviously they’d be better if they contained a whole bunch of different words. And characters we could stand. And a plot.

Sadly we’re stuck with the ones we have here, but remember – Fifty Shades of Neigh is still only 0.99 in the Kindle store. You can get a whole bunch of different words (approximately 50,000 of them), sort of a plot and at least a couple of characters who don’t make you sick on sight. It wouldn’t be a faithful parody of Fifty Shades of Grey if I made the main characters too loveable, although I have to say I failed in creating a male lead who was even more repulsive than the original. Christian Grey sets the bar pretty high (or low).

Still, at least in my version there’s a hot Mexican transvestite to take the edge off. (‘hot Mexican transvestite’ – coming soon to weird search engine results for this blog) Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Six – This Charming Man

This weekend my nephew asked me to total up how many words I’d written in the last year. It came to just over 350,000 words, which doesn’t seem a lot when you consider that it’s just over half the length of the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series. However, when you’re actually reading the Fifty Shades of Grey series time dilates to accommodate the extremes of boredom that come with watching Ana narrating her way around a hardware store, Christian Grey’s kitchen and the inside of her own weird little head.

I think the world’s finest physicists should take a look at this book. I honestly believe it may hold the key to time travel. And sooner rather than later, please. I could really do with an extra week between now and Christmas.

Anyway. Let’s crack on. I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear

Fifty Shades Freed: Like A Popsicle In Hell

Yes, we’re finally there. After twenty five chapters of paper thin plot, poorly written sex and bucketloads of interminable tedious whining, we have reached the end of Fifty Shades Freed. But fuck you for thinking we’re done with this shit. Sit the hell down. There’s an epilogue.

You thought you were getting away? Well, aren’t you adorable? Not a chance. Like a monstrous, needy-drunk party host, Ms. James is going to keep yammering on and making us dance to Demis Roussos until somebody actually dies.  Continue reading

Fifty Shades Freed: The Neverending Story

Last time, on Fifty Shades Freed, Christian threatened Ana with rape (no, he really did) and the plot happened. All at once. There are still three chapters of this mess left and my Kindle bar says I’m only 79% of the way through. Continue reading

Fifty Shades Freed: The One Where The Plot Finally Happens

Last time on Fifty Shades Freed Ana found out she was pregnant and Christian went predictably insane. After referring to his unborn child as ‘shit’ he then screamed at his pregnant wife until she began to cry and then stormed out of the house. Then he came home at one thirty in the morning and passed out drunk. Because he’s dreamy. Warning: Contains actual rape threats