Tag Archives: Throwing up

Fifty Shades links page now available

For everyone who’s here for the Fifty Shades stuff, I’ve just added a new page to the site so that you don’t have to suffer the extreme annoyance of searching WordPress tags. Fifty Shades Freed and Darker indexes will be added later, but there should be enough horrible to keep you all amused for the time being. Click the link below to go to the index page or click Fifty Shades Recaps on the page bar above.

For all your ‘When does he pull her tampon out?’ and ‘Is there anal in Fifty Shades of Grey’ search needs.  (And no. There is no anal in Fifty Shades of Grey.)

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Ten – Out To Lunch At The Roadkill Grill

Happy New Year, people. I hope you have a happy, healthy and wealthy one. And what better way to celebrate the beginning of a shiny new year by plunging back into one of the dullest books in human history? Well, I can think of a bunch of better ways, but I’ve committed to this garbage and I like to see things through. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Six – This Charming Man

This weekend my nephew asked me to total up how many words I’d written in the last year. It came to just over 350,000 words, which doesn’t seem a lot when you consider that it’s just over half the length of the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series. However, when you’re actually reading the Fifty Shades of Grey series time dilates to accommodate the extremes of boredom that come with watching Ana narrating her way around a hardware store, Christian Grey’s kitchen and the inside of her own weird little head.

I think the world’s finest physicists should take a look at this book. I honestly believe it may hold the key to time travel. And sooner rather than later, please. I could really do with an extra week between now and Christmas.

Anyway. Let’s crack on. I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Five – The One Where She Gets Kidnapped

Welcome back to my readalong of Fifty Shades of Grey, a book that may very well be the worst bestseller of all time. Yes, we all know Stieg Larson needed an editor and Dan Brown’s novels were pretty damn silly, but at least if this was a Dan Brown someone would be face down in the squid tank by now and someone else would have left a cryptic message using their own internal organs. (You’d think kidneys would make handy punctuation marks, wouldn’t you?)

Before we press on, I would just like to remind you that my new novel Held: A New Adult Romance is still available for only 0.99 in the Kindle Store. Sale ends soon, so don’t miss out. And in slightly more relevant news, you can now own a Kindle copy of Fifty Shades of Neigh for the same super low price – 0.99.

And now on with the recap. You might want a nice strong cup of tea and a blanket on standby for this one. Because oh boy – this guy’s a weirdo. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Four – Fifty Shades Drunker

Hello once again. Just a quick reminder before we get onto the recap – my pseud’s new novel Held: A New Adult Romance is currently only 0.99 in the Kindle store, so please pass the link on to all of your book bargain-hunting friends. I know price is a big consideration for people who read three or four books a week, which is why I refuse to believe that 0.99 e-books are dead. And why not grab one yourself while you’re at it? If you’ll hate Fifty Shades of Grey, you’ll like it – it’s a book where stalky, unpleasant and controlling men get exactly what’s coming to them.

Unlike Fifty Shades. Yikes. Strap yourselves in, boys and girls. This one’s about to get creepy.

We last left Ana – and the last few sad rags of her pitiful self-esteem – cradled in Christian Grey’s manly arms. She wants him to kiss her and he isn’t going to, mostly because he is a practitioner of really poorly researched S&M and is clearly too dark and edgy for our poor little vanilla sap of a heroine.

Avanti. Continue reading

Fifty Shades Freed: Like A Popsicle In Hell

Yes, we’re finally there. After twenty five chapters of paper thin plot, poorly written sex and bucketloads of interminable tedious whining, we have reached the end of Fifty Shades Freed. But fuck you for thinking we’re done with this shit. Sit the hell down. There’s an epilogue.

You thought you were getting away? Well, aren’t you adorable? Not a chance. Like a monstrous, needy-drunk party host, Ms. James is going to keep yammering on and making us dance to Demis Roussos until somebody actually dies.  Continue reading

Fifty Shades Freed: The One Where The Plot Finally Happens

Last time on Fifty Shades Freed Ana found out she was pregnant and Christian went predictably insane. After referring to his unborn child as ‘shit’ he then screamed at his pregnant wife until she began to cry and then stormed out of the house. Then he came home at one thirty in the morning and passed out drunk. Because he’s dreamy. Warning: Contains actual rape threats