Tag Archives: why dead authors hate you

Fifty Shades of Grey – Chapter Twenty-One: Crackwhore Vertigo

Run, do not walk, to get your free Kindle copy of Fifty Shades of Neigh. Seriously, not even kidding – the giveaway ends at midnight PST.

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Got it? Good. Let’s get down to (horrible) business. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Seventeen – Butterflies Do Not Work That Way

So, I’m still staggering through line edits for Fifty Shades Later and my recaps of Fifty Shades Freed and once again wondering how these terrible books ever managed to get so long.

It turns out that the Fifty Shades Trilogy is actually longer than Lord of the Rings. Strange, but true.

For reference, and sans appendices:

The Fellowship of The Ring weighs in at a chunky 188,000 words, rounded to the nearest thousand. That’s pretty heavy even for a fantasy novel. The Two Towers comes in a little lighter at 156,ooo words, and The Return of the King is the svelte sibling of the three at a relatively slim (for Tolkien) 137,000 words.

Now, that adds up to 481,000 words. That’s a lot of words, but quite a few things happen in the space of those 481,000 words. Compare and contrast the Fifty Shades Trilogy, which barely have enough plot to fill a small trade paperback and yet still flop onto the scales at an astounding 621,000 words.

That’s 140,000 words longer than all three Lord Of The Rings novels put together. If you added the wordcount of The Silmarillion to Lord Of The Rings you would still come up 10,000 words short of the total wordcount of the Fifty Shades novels.

If I’m flagging on these recaps, then that’s why. These books may be the longest and dullest things committed to print since Atlas Shrugged. I mean, nobody’s made a seventy page speech about the magical unicorn powers of the free market yet, but I’m still up to my tits in e-mail filler. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Six – This Charming Man

This weekend my nephew asked me to total up how many words I’d written in the last year. It came to just over 350,000 words, which doesn’t seem a lot when you consider that it’s just over half the length of the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series. However, when you’re actually reading the Fifty Shades of Grey series time dilates to accommodate the extremes of boredom that come with watching Ana narrating her way around a hardware store, Christian Grey’s kitchen and the inside of her own weird little head.

I think the world’s finest physicists should take a look at this book. I honestly believe it may hold the key to time travel. And sooner rather than later, please. I could really do with an extra week between now and Christmas.

Anyway. Let’s crack on. I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Four – Fifty Shades Drunker

Hello once again. Just a quick reminder before we get onto the recap – my pseud’s new novel Held: A New Adult Romance is currently only 0.99 in the Kindle store, so please pass the link on to all of your book bargain-hunting friends. I know price is a big consideration for people who read three or four books a week, which is why I refuse to believe that 0.99 e-books are dead. And why not grab one yourself while you’re at it? If you’ll hate Fifty Shades of Grey, you’ll like it – it’s a book where stalky, unpleasant and controlling men get exactly what’s coming to them.

Unlike Fifty Shades. Yikes. Strap yourselves in, boys and girls. This one’s about to get creepy.

We last left Ana – and the last few sad rags of her pitiful self-esteem – cradled in Christian Grey’s manly arms. She wants him to kiss her and he isn’t going to, mostly because he is a practitioner of really poorly researched S&M and is clearly too dark and edgy for our poor little vanilla sap of a heroine.

Avanti. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Three – Are (Boy)Friends Electric?

In the first two chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey, we met Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. It was not an auspicious meeting, seeing as she was a twitchy ball of self-loathing and he was a buzzword spouting cretin who may very well also be a serial killer.

Luckily (or not) for him, Ana thinks he’s just so literary and already wants to get into his Dolce e Gabbanas. Well – kind of. I don’t think she even knows why her underwear gets humid whenever he’s around and even when it does her imaginary friends pipe up and tell her that he could never, ever love her because she’s too mousy and unattractive. And she is, by the way. She’s so ugly that every male character who isn’t Christian Grey has so far pledged undying love to her.

I’m not holding out much hope of this book getting any better. Continue reading

Fifty Shades of Shit: The Original Recap

I’m currently working on a revised edition of Fifty Shades of Neigh, for a book promotion next year, and I realised that it’s missing something – a chapter by chapter recap of Fifty Shades of Grey, so that people can enjoy the parody without having to wade through the mindnumbing source material.

So, you know what this means, don’t you?

Be warned. If you are offended by bad language then this is not the Fifty Shades recap for you; here be dragons, dangling participles, prepositional phrases gone wild and vicious, unwarranted abuse of the helpless comma. Also I tend to say fuck a lot. Continue reading

Fifty Shades Later: An Inevitable Conclusion

Still finishing up the new Jessica Pine novel for before Christmas, but I’ll be done soon, and can devote my attention completely to the final part of Fifty Shades of Neigh.

I can now reveal the new cover and an exclusive sneak preview of the first chapter!

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We last left Hanna Squeal newly wed and presumably newly widowed, when Crispian Neigh stole a helicopter and escaped federal custody, having pulled the old clothing switcheroo with his dumpster-dwelling sister Alicia.

Meanwhile Hanna had just come fresh from a semi-romantic tryst with her flame-haired hipster boss Timothy Grope, who had infiltrated the Neighs’ ritzy shindig for Filthy Rich Cokeheads by persuading the triangle player in the dance band that he really needed to take a break from playing the triangle and head on down to Tijuana to get very drunk, buy a bunch of illegal fireworks and probably catch some kind of social disease. With me so far?

It’s probably just easier if you just read the first two books.

Anyway, that happened. And then this happened. Continue reading